1. An endless list of things she shouldn’t be eating or drinking
It is an axiom of printed media – why oh why couldn’t Leveson have tackled this? – that famous or notable people are keener to have healthy children than anybody else. You read this incessantly – “Peaches Geldof will be particularly keen to avoid alcohol”; “Sophie Dahl especially won’t want to eat bagged salad, in the light of the listeria risk that we have massively overstated, almost as if we don’t understand epidemiological statistics at all.” The insult is a double-whammy – the whole population is insulted, by the implication that we lack the distinction to care about our babies as much as Reese Witherspoon does hers. And the celebrity herself is insulted, by the insinuation that she might have her own peculiar difficulty in avoiding alcohol or salad for the sake of her baby. How much Kate Middleton likes salad, I would never speculate (see point 7).
2. Anything at all about their sex life
If there is one thing more nauseating than a mumsy tip about positioning round a bump, and I am leaning away from my computer and wincing even as I type that, it is the unbidden image of Prince William having sex with anyone, of any shape. I am not exhibiting feminist double standards with an unkind remark about his attractiveness. It’s a mark of respect that I don’t think this way about our future king.
3. Speculation about whether it’s a boy or a girl
I had a friend who, when asked if it was a boy or a girl, used to say “I hope so”, and then make a sarcastic face.
4. Suggestions for baby names
The royal family actually invented a crude version of the internet, some centuries ago: the Posh Name Generator. It gave you a list of four names, Elizabeth, Henry, James or Mary, and you chose on the basis of the gender of the child and the names of your existing children. It would have taken off faster if they’d had a larger database and disseminated the technique, but the problem with this family is that they don’t share.
5. How soon Pippa Middleton will want to get pregnant
Or, on a related topic, how much she will be wishing she had a boyfriend, now that she knows that exquisite, quintessentially feminine pain of seeing your sister fulfil her human destiny before you. Although if any news-gathering source were to put a timeline on it, estimating how soon she finds a mate, marries him, kisses goodbye to her publishing career, gets pregnant and then gives birth, allowing the reader to put a bet on that final event, then I would have a flutter.
6. Anything that mistakes hyperemesis gravidarum for “bad morning sickness”
It is like mistaking pneumonia for “a bad cold”.
7. How hyperemesis gravidarum is actually quite good for keeping the weight off, if you manage it correctly
Just imagine that we were working towards a world in which women weren’t just the instruments of male pleasure and bearers of their genetic imprint; a place in which it was quite odd to talk about women only in terms of how attractively their flesh was arranged and how they were managing to maintain that composition; we would eventually, maybe even pretty soon, arrive at a situation where to remark upon a woman gaining weight in pregnancy would seem as banal and nonsensical as to remark that a man, upon not shaving, had grown a beard.
8. An imaginative reconstruction of how Diana would take the news, were she still alive
She would greet the news just like anybody else who’s ever been given this news. The spectrum of response-to-a-first-pregnancy-by-a-happily-married-couple is really very short, ranging from “that’s nice” to “that’s lovely”.
9. Fashion-related comments wondering “whither the modest frock dress?” one day, and “why can’t you be sexy-pregnant, like that nice Megan Fox?” the next
If fashion can’t agree – which it can’t – then it should discuss something else.
10. Any article headlined “Dilatey-Katey”
Photograph: Wpa Pool/Getty Images